The semester is almost over. PRAISE GOD. I'm looking at getting (maybe) my second 4.0 semester. That'd rock my SOCKS off. Wow. Yes.

I'm moving back home in the fall. While i've enjoyed my year of living on my own, I'm excited about being home again. I have the rest of my life to live on my own... may as well squeeze out as much time with my family as I can. Lydia's gonna be living with me. It's gonna be fun, I can tell.

And one other thought: I'm going to be a senior. Wow. When they say that college goes by fast, I didn't realize how fast they meant. It feels like I just started but here I am- on the top of the totem pole that is called undergrad. But not to worry- I'll be back on the bottom fall 09. I guess I should start thinking about things I've learned... but for now, i just wanna write a book. Yep.

I love to read. And write. word.

The Big Plan

My daddy is sick. He has cancer. We found out in February, but Leroy had probably been around for a few months before that. Since then, it's been a lot of crying, laughing, worrying about if that girl next to me in class is dying of some rare form of a cold or it's just allergies... and dodging church greeters (DON'T look them in the eye. They need no encouragement).

All in all, it's been okay. Once my daddy started treatment and he started to get better things started to turn around. My daddy and I joke about pulling the "cancer card" (it is a little known fact that once a person gets cancer or a member of a person's immediate family gets cancer you get a little card to carry around. It gets you free stuff and also gets people to do stuff for you when they don't always feel like it. We can't show you unless we're actually going to use it. it's kind of like in babylon 5 with the dagger thingy that the narns carry. If they pull it out, they gotta draw blood. If I pull out my cancer card, it has to be used... I used it to get out of a summer class.) Of course, my dad has taken to an attempt on ventriloquism. With a sock puppet.

Anyway. My bestest friend said something along the lines of "maybe your dad having cancer is God's plan because his faith and attitude have been so strong.... and it's been such an inspiration for so many people!" While I don't doubt that many people are inspired. I love my dad and I love that he's been so upbeat and so strong (at least, when i've seen him. I know he's had his hard times). I don't agree that it was "God's Plan". Maybe i'm being one of those wacky people when I say this- but I believe that God causes good things. Not the bad. I know that he told us we'd have bad things. But just because He tells us something doesn't mean he caused it, right? I know that my God is big enough and powerful enough to take the bad and make it good. Like with this. He's taken this horrible thing that my dad has to go through (having his body pumped full of poison 8 times between March and August) and turned it into an encouragement for my family and our friends.
I definitely feel closer to my daddy now that he's started having to do this.

So I'd just like to say- God loves me. He loves me enough to take horrible, horrible things like losing two amazingly brilliant and loving people or having to watch your dad go through chemo and make them into something beautiful- a way to show His faithfulness and the importance of the body of Christ. Mm. It's good.

The touchy subject of predestination.

It's not often that you hear the word "ascribe" in every day conversation - and when you do, you've really gotta say SOMETHING to insert yourself into the conversation so that when night comes and you're recording the day's happenings you can say
I was in a conversation when someone used the word ascribe.

Tonight, that's how my journal entry is going to start.

I was getting a snack in Haley Center before going to my supervisor meeting in the speech and hearing clinic. I still had about 45 minutes, but the clinician's room is where we go when we have nothing else to do (of course by "we" I mean "I"). While I was trying to decide between peanut butter or cheese crackers (I went with the peanut butter), I overheard two of the clerks discussing (near debate status) the subject of predestination.
The young man behind the counter was saying that because of cause and effect the entire universe has led him to pick up a marker that was sitting on the counter between us. The girl wasn't quite sure how to respond to it- although I have a feeling that because he was talking so quickly she barely had time to process what he was saying and say something back in turn. He barely left room for himself to breathe.

While he's discussing this whole idea of predestination he throws out "of course- I don't ascribe to any of that." (yes, he did emphasize the fact that he used the word "ascribe" in a sentence. I think, like me, he understands the amazing implications of using that word. He could draw in just about any word nerd there is within listening distance. In this case: me. Now, I didn't say much. In fact, I only said one thing: "Yeah... predestination is rough."

And it is. Are our actions the result of free will- do we choose completely what we're doing? Or is it something that, as he said, was set up by the history of the entire universe for us to do? Are merely falling into the tried and true cause and effect method of living?

I'm not one to say who's right and wrong on this subject. Mostly because I haven't spent hours figuring out which camp i ascribe to when it comes to predestination and free will. However, off the top of my head (which, if you're wondering, would be at about 5 feet and 6 inches from the ground- so not that high reaching...), I'd have to say i'm somewhere in the middle.

Here's how I see it. We CANNOT choose God on our own. It's impossible. Without Him first choosing us and drawing us to him, there's no way we'll even acknowledge His existence. In this case, it is predestination that brings us into saving grace. As Calvinists would called it: Limited Atonement and Irresistible Grace.
There are the Elect: Those chosen by God. When God calls them- we CAN'T say no.
We're also told that there are good works that God set before us to do. I kind of see this as the plan. Don't get me wrong- no matter what, God's plan will be fulfilled. However, it may fall to other people if we don't follow God's plan.
A plan doesn't set things in stone. It sets us up for the actions that are supposed to occur.
Here's where the free will comes into play.

God says "go pray for this person." Now- you can do it. You can follow God's plan and pray for the person. In this, you are obedient to God's will and are satisfied by His love and grace in your life. Or- you can keep going. You can question yourself "Is that really God or just my imagination?" (The way I see it- praying for people is always a good thing. Even if it is your imagination, go for it.) The person needs prayer... but you don't pray for them. You haven't followed God's plan. You chose not to do the work predestined for you.

This is not to say that your choice surprises God. He knows how many hairs are on your head and exactly when they'll all fall out. He knew how every minute of every day of your life would play out before your grandparents' grandparents were even a twinkle in their parents' eyes. He KNOWS you won't choose it.

This is where it gets hairy for me. Did he decide that you wouldn't choose it? Well, if so- did he decide that you'd sin by disobeying God's plan? That to me is against God's character. God does NOT tempt. He doesn't lead us to sin- He leads us away from it. Beyond this... I don't know what's going on.

This, to me, is what matters:
God is God.
God is Love.
God is Truth.
Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.

These things come from God.
Whether I am choosing to obey or i had no choice in the matter, I want to please my God. I want to love Him the way that He's loved me... even though I know it's impossible. I want to give everything I can to him. Everything.