Fragile

fragile : [adjective]
• easily broken or damaged
• not strong or sturdy; delicate and vulnerable.

I spoke with a friend of mine tonight for a long while about a lot of things all interconnected. Stream of consciousness + conversation = danger... or deep lengthy conversations.

I came to the question of feeling fragile- how do I overcome it? He told me that everyone wears that "fragile: handle with care" sticker. some just hide it more than others.
Makes me wonder- the ones that hide it, are they the ones who are (unknowingly) hurt? I have no clue. Nothing ever makes sense once you get out of the world of the finite and into the universe of the infinite.

He asked who the most invulnerable people i know are. My first instinct for these kinds of questions, whether strength, invulnerability, consistency, love, it's always my mother. I've always seen her as the mom who can solve every problem. Even if it's a hug on her bed while i cry for hours on end while she strokes my hair. That's a solution that can't come from anywhere but a mother's heart.
But is my mom above fragility? I'd always thought she had been.

Watching my parents through these now 6 months of cancer as the treatments get worse on my dad... I see something in her eyes that i'd only seen a few times before. One of those times was my fault and i think since then every time it's come up, i've had this overwhelming urge to search myself to find out what i'd done wrong so that i could fix it - so that I could make my mom strong again. So i could take back her broken heart.
My mom isn't immune to the fragility of human nature. But inspite of the fact that I've begun to see that my mother is frail - weak and weary in a sense - it doesn't make me love her less.

It makes me love her more.


So, momma, I love you. I love you when your eyes are filled with tears and red from worry. I love you when you're getting onto me for doing something amazingly stupid and you can't help but laughing at me. I love you for the memories we have of going to see chick flicks during the afternoons and having the theaters all to ourselves so that we could talk and giggle through the whole thing unashamed. I love you because you don't like to throw big parties. I love you because you'd rather spend a night at home with us than go out and be around distractions that could keep us from really spending time together. I love you when you treat me like the woman I'm growing up to be. And I love you when you treat me like the little girl I once was.

I'll always need you, momma. I'll always love you.
And even though i'm seeing that you're fragile right now... to me, you're still the strongest woman in the world.

Stream of Consciousness.

I always forget that first s in "consciousness" and by always i mean "every other time except for these last two."
You know how you forget things long enough and suddenly you're remembering that you forget them all the time so by default you're remembering how it's supposed to be done?
I used to put an extra "k" in "know"- like this: knkow. I dunno. maybe that's the Kayla version. I also often type "forget" as "froget" as though it's some sort of talisman that froggies use to stave off amnesia.
I've always found it disturbing that frog tongues are attached at the front instead of the back. Knowing what i do of human anatomy it baffles me. Maybe i should take mammalian anatomy...
if i had time and didn't want to kill my gpa, that is. That and frogs aren't mammals.
so i'm still trying to figure out why my left eye dries out faster than my right eye when i wear contacts. It's kind of weird.
I've decided that i can't tell if my little mini-fan i've got here is purple or blue. It's somewhere inbetween.

Only a girl would worry about that. Well, maybe not. But it's nice to think that some things affect only girls. Oo, i know- like pregger-ness. i think it's safe to say that that only really gets girls.
Why DO guy say "we're having a baby!!" when really, everyone knows that their wife is the one who's gonna be doing most of the work... well, when it comes to birthing the kid, anyway.

I had lunch with a 6 yr old today. She's "almost" 7... in september. Love it. I remember those days, counting down for 6 months until my birthday.
wait... wait... I still do that.
6 days, by the way.

I've been counting down since it was at least 150 days. FINALLY. The last week and the last hour always seem to be the longest by comparison. Maybe einstein was onto something with this relativity thing.
the word "relativity" always makes me thing of "nativity"
does that mean cows are relative? And if they are... does that mean their calories count less than a pig's or a chicken's?
It's something to dwell on for maybe 3.2 seconds. hhhmmmmm.